if you keep it inside it will consume you

all of it.
accept it for that moment it exists.
acknowledge its validity, if even only  because you felt it briefly.
then let it go.
it served you in some way.
learn.
grow.
where you are be all there.

sleepover

owen stayed at a friends last night.
i love my boy but i know the way he acts with me is most certainly not how he acts with other people.
neither of my boys do.
there is something about me that causes them to be very needy and whine for any and every need. like needing a drink. instead of words he uses this screechy noise. or wanting a turn in a video game. instead of waiting he forcefully grabbed it out of eds hand. after he just got out of time out.
and of course because im the mother that sound drives me absolutley insane.
i think part of owens may be fighting for attention.
i should probably take him on a mommy and me date soon.
its difficult for me. because i want to hug him and tell him i love him because i think thats what he needs. but acting out in that way is just obnoxious and completly makes me not want to so him that affection because i feel like im rewardinh negative behavior.
i love him so much but i dont know how to  help him

second cup of coffee
sleety rain outside
chicken soup on the stove
about to make banana bread
the boys are well behaved, better than usual.
music
lily laid in the bed for a little bit this morning and she's munching on a  bone
brian is out getting something for the garage
im going to make some jewlery after the bread
i ordered metal for my class project
i think we'll color later, or maybe paint
laundry going
dishes done
these moments
they're everyday perfected
a moment that today seems wondeful, when others i may be overwhelmed

im forever grateful for all thats before me

I don't know how to process feelings.
I know this for multiple reasons.
I need advice and guidance and an ear for almost every major event I need to process and interpret. I cant understand without expressing myself verbally. I xant understand without seeking advice. I can't figure out if how I'm feeling is right. And i know that sentence makes no sense.
The second way i know. Because i dont know how to teach my children to process their feelings. How to handel frustration, disappointment, and anger. How to accept love, compassion, and kindness with out questioning intention.
Today was a hard day.
I can't wrap my mind around things sometimes and i talk it out. The girls at work usually get the most of it. And my mom. But i wish i could feel life on my own. Without guidance.
Because, again with the feelings, so often the things i say out loud I'm ashamed and embarrassed of. Either for feeling that way or for letting others into my feelings.
Keep your cards close to your chest right.
But im not sure im made that way.
Ao then what.

I saw my dad and grandpa in a dream.
It was only for a moment.
I was cooking and they were at the same house, but we didn't speak. We didn't eat. We were just in the same place.
It can be hard, grieving. It comes and goes. Sometimes its like a tide and others just shore break. Pulls you in or just delicately kisses your mind and then retreats.
I miss my dad. Id do anything to go back to those times i thought i was to busy to answer and I'd answer every call.
When he got really sick he stopped calling as much. I saw him only once in yhe 2 weeks before his death.
Why did i distance myself.
There are days that thats the only thing i can think about. It eats at me. He deserved to see hiw much i loves him and i denied him that.
I miss him so much. His humor. His music. His writting.
I didn't keep much of his belongings either. I couldn't go to my grandma home. I didn't know how to deal with the feelings. Now i have his license, a flannel, and a sweatshirt.
That's all, and a bag of photos.
I gave all my pictures to my grandma and I've got none of them back.
It's not important.
I just hope he knows how much i love him still.

25

Mary is 25!
We had a blast at dinner with family and boy friends. We're all full, heart,belly and smiles!
She's beautiful.  A little spicy, unquestionably kind and generous. Classic style with great teeth.
Smart and fun. Always says what she really feels. But us equally concerned and sympathetic if it hurts.
She has big dreams and patience.
I'm grateful to be able to learn from her.
Here's to next year and being everything you want to be!

Compliment

Someone i admire paid me a compliment today. I said thank you and then about a half a paragraph. I wish i could just say thanks and let it go. Because now I'm picking apart the conversation because pf the response. Which there was nothing wronh with but it wasnt the topic. The topic was making something. Which im honored she thought of us.
It was such a sweet compliment too. About how it shows in what I'm doing that om happy and ive found a hobby thay suits me.
I read a quote the other day that said the moment i began to be myself is the moment i felt beautiful. And i keep thinking about it.

Slow down

This weekend was close to perfect.
Well, my minds idea of what i like.
I love waking up and getting a little me time for the start. Hola hooping. Cleaning. Reading. I just need to be up earlier sin e it starts my day so much more positive.
Unintentionally I've been exercising when i take lily out in the am.
We brought her to my moms and out in the woods by the house. I alwayd feel so much better when she's with me
A little bit of everything, not to much of anything.
I didn't do well so far writting every day.

Metal

I used to be into metal. Local metal. I enjoyed the scenes and the bass lines.
I sometimes go back to myspace and loaten to DTM. Haha
Now. I'm into a new kind of metal.
Metal work.
Last night was my first metal smith class and i had a really good time.
Im not good at it. I broke saw blades. My circle is only sort of a circle.
I'm excited! Every Tuesday for 3 months I'll be learning and I'm giddy.

Flash back

Amd it's not even friday.
Music always brings someyhing back.
Music and driving.
Usually memories i wish id repress because its embarrassing even to think about for ages ago. When i was 12,15,17,21. Why?!
I hope one day they are stories i can tell that sound exciting and make me remember good times.
Until then, cheers to friends, drinks and that one time.

Things

A while back a close couple we're friends with had some struggles. I was of course there for my girlfriend. Amd i had some built up resentment towards him from the things that were going on. I tried to remain neutral. But in conversation one time he was upset with my verbage and tone. As a result he has been distant and isolated us from our usual get together.
I feel left out.
The whole time i was just trying to get them to work things out. I was in no way choosing sides. But he took a sensitive tone to the wrong person and i redirected that sensitivity to his current relationship.
While.
Now I'm sad. I wanted the relationship to work out because i wanted a friend that dated my guys friend. Selfishly i guess.
But it all worked out ultimately.
I'm sad we weren't there for new years.
Im sad they didn't  come over.
Im mad too.
Im mad that they didn't care to include us.
It makes me want to take this year on and re evaluate those friends.
Makes me question what i want in a friend and how i want to feel with them.
I want to be a friend when everything is good. Not just when they need a shoulder.
I just saw another friend share an image from new years and she was invited. But we weren't.
Maybe because we had invited them and they said no. So they choose not to invite us. But either way my feelings are hurt. Pretty solid.

2nd

We were out by 1030.
Breakfast.
Movies. Star wars and the good dinosaur.
Aquarium.
Tacos.
Arcade.
Home.
Video games.
Belly flops.
It's been full. Its been fun.
It's still going on.
A stark comparison to yesterday, when we stayed in pjs and the most effort into anything was moving the tv for couch tour.
But that's balance, right?!
I'm grateful for our days. The gift cards and membership that made today mostly free. And for adventures.
And for these boys.

Farewell 2015

We listened to Live Phish last night. Sitting on our floral couch, drinking spiced apple cider. Both  babes fell asleep while sitting with me. I enjoyed company with my love and a good friend.
We opened the front door and embraced energy for the new year.
And i feel asleep sitting up.
I hope this new year is happily exhausting.
Full of adventure and growth.
Learning new skills and improving old.
Improvement in the home, the health, and the heart.
I will fill my heart with the intentiof to fulfill this year as god intended. Open my heart to feeling free from insecurity. Trust that what happens ia okay. Accept that what others think of me is none of my business. Focus on myself and my family. And enjoy every bit.