Friday, April 1, 2011

New Beginings

Last weekend was Owens first weekend away with his father.

It was rough for me. Aside from breaking out in tears sporadically from Friday at 7 until Sunday at 2, I was also completely unable to sleep waking up almost every other hour, as well as eating my way through everything in sight.

Before he left I insisted on taking tons and tons of pictures of him. The problem was that I wanted pictures of us together, so I kept sticking my fat head in the shot every opportunity I had.
End result: a ton of pictures with half of my head, ruining the shot of his adorable little smile and giggle.

Finally a little light bulb got bright: Just ask my baby to take a picture with me
guess what I got
and he even said "cheese!"
My little Smarty Pants 

Any who, the weeekend went better than I expected, and he came home happy and healthy and sooooooo excited to see me. So last weekend was the first weekend of the rest of my life.

All I know for sure is that he is loved beyond belief by everyone who knows him.

I think there is an instinct that I can't fight, or that any woman can fight off, to protect and provide for their child. Sometimes it's scary the people I feel I need to protect Owen from, sometimes I can't figure out if I'm protecting him from a very real danger or something that he'll never know ever happened, and he better never ever witness with his own eyes.
I hated the idea of overnights with his dad, I fought it all the way and at the end, swallowed my pride and agreed because it had gotten to a point where there was nothing I could do. Apparantly this "cookie cutter" case was just another "same old same" thing for the Juvenille and Domestic courts, as well as the attorney assigned to the case. But still I hate this because they only met my child once, me three times and his father twice, and there is no follow up to make sure they made the right choice for our family 
I've always been candid with my relationship with my sons father, I've never put it on the web, when I had a tumblr, on my facebook, or when myspace was a thing. I've kept it inside, and I'm not sure if thats protecting Owen, myself or his father reputation. But I've found a way to accept what has happened. I had to, to be able to cope with all that I know now and how much continue to find out . Deciept is never easy to handel wether you find out while your in it or afterward. It still hurts.
They say that your first heart-break steals the innocence of love. Its true.
They also say You live and Learn. I learned.
The best way for me to look at this whole thing:
My First Love, gave me the blessing of the Love of My Life, My Son... and then I was given the oppertunity to find the True Love I deserve.

Life is funny.

1 comment:

  1. I am struggling with this exact concept. It's actually the subject of a post I am starting to write in a few minutes. As much time as I have spent the last year trying to protect my son from anything and everything that could possibly hurt him, it seems so counter intuitive to hand his care over to another person, while I will have no control over what happens. Glad to know I'm not alone. :)