daddy vader

we are hooked on star wars.
ed is obsessed with getting an obi one kenobi figurine.
we gave everyone star wars names too.
owen one kenobi
edi the jedi
daddy vader
they watched the vw commerial and i hope desperatley that they want to be star wars characters for halloween. because that would be adorable!
light sabers.
chewy go gurt. because star wars everything.

if you keep it inside it will consume you

all of it.
accept it for that moment it exists.
acknowledge its validity, if even only  because you felt it briefly.
then let it go.
it served you in some way.
learn.
grow.
where you are be all there.

sleepover

owen stayed at a friends last night.
i love my boy but i know the way he acts with me is most certainly not how he acts with other people.
neither of my boys do.
there is something about me that causes them to be very needy and whine for any and every need. like needing a drink. instead of words he uses this screechy noise. or wanting a turn in a video game. instead of waiting he forcefully grabbed it out of eds hand. after he just got out of time out.
and of course because im the mother that sound drives me absolutley insane.
i think part of owens may be fighting for attention.
i should probably take him on a mommy and me date soon.
its difficult for me. because i want to hug him and tell him i love him because i think thats what he needs. but acting out in that way is just obnoxious and completly makes me not want to so him that affection because i feel like im rewardinh negative behavior.
i love him so much but i dont know how to  help him

second cup of coffee
sleety rain outside
chicken soup on the stove
about to make banana bread
the boys are well behaved, better than usual.
music
lily laid in the bed for a little bit this morning and she's munching on a  bone
brian is out getting something for the garage
im going to make some jewlery after the bread
i ordered metal for my class project
i think we'll color later, or maybe paint
laundry going
dishes done
these moments
they're everyday perfected
a moment that today seems wondeful, when others i may be overwhelmed

im forever grateful for all thats before me

I don't know how to process feelings.
I know this for multiple reasons.
I need advice and guidance and an ear for almost every major event I need to process and interpret. I cant understand without expressing myself verbally. I xant understand without seeking advice. I can't figure out if how I'm feeling is right. And i know that sentence makes no sense.
The second way i know. Because i dont know how to teach my children to process their feelings. How to handel frustration, disappointment, and anger. How to accept love, compassion, and kindness with out questioning intention.
Today was a hard day.
I can't wrap my mind around things sometimes and i talk it out. The girls at work usually get the most of it. And my mom. But i wish i could feel life on my own. Without guidance.
Because, again with the feelings, so often the things i say out loud I'm ashamed and embarrassed of. Either for feeling that way or for letting others into my feelings.
Keep your cards close to your chest right.
But im not sure im made that way.
Ao then what.

I saw my dad and grandpa in a dream.
It was only for a moment.
I was cooking and they were at the same house, but we didn't speak. We didn't eat. We were just in the same place.
It can be hard, grieving. It comes and goes. Sometimes its like a tide and others just shore break. Pulls you in or just delicately kisses your mind and then retreats.
I miss my dad. Id do anything to go back to those times i thought i was to busy to answer and I'd answer every call.
When he got really sick he stopped calling as much. I saw him only once in yhe 2 weeks before his death.
Why did i distance myself.
There are days that thats the only thing i can think about. It eats at me. He deserved to see hiw much i loves him and i denied him that.
I miss him so much. His humor. His music. His writting.
I didn't keep much of his belongings either. I couldn't go to my grandma home. I didn't know how to deal with the feelings. Now i have his license, a flannel, and a sweatshirt.
That's all, and a bag of photos.
I gave all my pictures to my grandma and I've got none of them back.
It's not important.
I just hope he knows how much i love him still.

25

Mary is 25!
We had a blast at dinner with family and boy friends. We're all full, heart,belly and smiles!
She's beautiful.  A little spicy, unquestionably kind and generous. Classic style with great teeth.
Smart and fun. Always says what she really feels. But us equally concerned and sympathetic if it hurts.
She has big dreams and patience.
I'm grateful to be able to learn from her.
Here's to next year and being everything you want to be!